yep

this is ma last post and then deleting my blog, i've deleted my facey page aswell just sick of so called friends lying straight to my face, sick of people walkin all over me so thats it im done with it all im changin everythin bout me, im movin away to get away from this shit WA here i come!

so called friend

im sorry but im gonna go to town on here,

the past week i have learnt one of the closest people to me has lied straight to my fucking face! im not gonna name names cause that isnt right but i seriously thought i knew them better! .... obviously i was wrong!
the past couple of months ive basically spent hiding and ive cut off so many people because of stupid bullshit, now i always wondered how i was continuously being found? well now i know and it was one of the people i thought would NEVER rat me out!

DISAPPOINTING!

i really hate it at the moment, everytime i speak to some one or i get asked a question, im always like why do they ask? and i question everything.... its starting to get exhausting!

back to square one....

so im not working again, appearantly im too dumb for their company! i have a month to find a job or else its no car, house, overdue bills and ill be in a load of trouble.

Trying to stay off the depression path but it all seems to happen so easily, i get down so easy and with no car i cant just go for a drive to clear my head....

I really cant figure out what i wanna do as far as work goes, its like id be happy doing anything but if i do just anything i wont be happy?

Cant win!

im back!

its been a while since my last post! but im still alive!

I started my new job, its ok. im still tryin to get my head round it all.... but at the same time keep everything on track cause ive felt a bit lost this past week.

Maybe its just the change in work thats thrown me or maybe cause its so far from my normal surroundings? dunno ive found myself to be a bit 'homesick' this past few days, i really miss my roxy dog, but shes probably better off staying where she is at the second.... I guess i just miss my freedom of having a car n doing what i want! i gotta save n get some wheels again!

Part of me wonders if its the fear of change or trying too hard to make people happy thats got me down in the dumps? All the poeple at work dont seem to get along which makes it harder to find my place in the crowd, anyways im gonna stop rambling just needed to vent

yay

sorry i havent put a blog up for a while, had a lot going on but i wont bore you with the negatives.

I finally got a job so i can get back on my feet, and finally get a working car. i dont start till this week though but i hope i enjoy it.

this week

This weeks been a fun week, firstly started my week with the little 'tyre incident' but it got a bit better from there. I borrowed mummys car tuesday and i went and applied for a few jobs and i had lunch with that boyfriend of mine :) and finished of my day with a drive to belgrave and dinner with my mum. wednesday i had a alright day as well! ( i was quite shocked nothin happened by this stage) i just hung at home and spent my day job hunting , doing some house work and of course hanging out with my puppy dog cause he never goes to work if his mums home haha im slowly turning him into a mums boy =D.
I had knox shifts on thursday & friday which turned out to be chaos! lol but it was good, and my weekend never really changes i walked my doggys and had breaky with my parents and then finally caught up with kiera! and sundays! i love lazy sundays! they are by far the best day of my week cause i get to lounge about with my man!
Im feeling alot more calm this week i had a shitty start to my week but it seems to have been ok since.

-Ash.

lost cause

Two more tires got slashed on my car last night, as well as my boyfriend and his brothers cars got done as well.... so in the past week my tires have been slashed twice! pretty confident we know who it is but i don't understand why they wont just leave me alone and move on!?

luckily enough the boys cars were insured, mine on the other hand not so lucky =S

I don't understand why people can be so nasty, i have no job, no money,huge debt, i live out of a fucking basket! and a non-working car! isn't that enough? i don't see why this person has to continue to torment me!? i moved away for a reason! I've cut ties with all my old friends for a reason! i put a fucking restraining order on you for a fucking reason! just leave me alone!!!!

Thanks to this person i have no car, no way of getting around and no money to fix my car! i am 100% completely screwed! congratulations you have succeeded at fucking my life up now go away and leave me the hell alone!

Sorry for being so blunt, but i really really needed to get that off my chest!

new week

this week hasn't really changed as far as luck goes, my transmission went in the car, friday morning i went outside to discover my tire was slashed and within ten minutes of that mum called to say dad was rushed to hospital that morning.... yes good start i know! but wait there's more!.... $40 went missing outta my wallet over the weekend so there's my money for a new tire gone, my nan had a fall on the weekend but luckily she was ok!

On a good note though i went to ikea with casey saturday arvo and we brought a heap of candles for our room, we spent all of sunday watchin movies on the couch and we went to chaddy today for lunch an a wander round its been fun hanging out even know i cant spend any money its still nice to be able to get outta the house n do stuff with him :)

-Ash

saturday night mumbo jumbo

So heres my late night ramble!

Finally got my car fixed yesterday, bloody spewing i missed my shift at Knox tho cause now I'm another days short of money for the week.... i think i can now say i know how a mental patient feels when they're locked in a small white room! only upside was i had a window ha ha! i spent 5 hours sitting in the same place at the mechanics, my cars fixed so i cant complain i guess but god it was boring! LOL!

Found out that the ice cream shop where I've been doing a few shifts has been sold n we r all loosing our jobs :( kinda sucks but it just means i gotta find a new job asap....

Its been really good having Casey home again too, im not just saying it being my boy n all but its just so much better having him around to generally talk to, hes been the best support since i lost my job and everything else crashed down around me. Both him and his brother have put a roof over my head and poor casey has to put up with me n all my junk in his room 24/7 and i feel so bad cause im not working either but they are the best for helping me and they'll never know just how much i appreciate it.

Id have to say after this week ive learnt that im alot stronger as a person as i initally thought i was, ive kept my cool with everything thats gone wrong and havent fallen into old habits again, normally id get that worked up that id get nothing done and stress twice as much, I dont know if its casey rubbing off on me or what but im so much more tolerant.... im quite proud of myself for not getting in a rut.

Anyways im gettin off the computer =)

-Ash

FML

So i started off my day on a good note, or so i thought....

its like every time i start to think ill be ok something else goes wrong, firstly i went to go to work at knox this morning and my car was dead! luckily sarah was there to take me to work. My day went alright nothin really bothered me untill 4 oclock came, it was then i found out nics bacck from work cover and ive lost all my shifts, she offered me 5 hours a week.... um how am i meant to live on that??

Ive had enough!

F#CK!

-Ash.

Feeling better

Feeling a lot better after my little tantrum the other day! ha ha! my car is still not well but i will try have her serviced this week if i can afford it ( knowing my luck i wont).... My backs playing funny buggers again which sucks as well, i knew i shouldn't of cancelled my appointment :(

On a better note, Casey came home yesterday! we had such a great night nothing huge we just enjoyed each others company which was nice.

Im going to try have me a more positive week this week, i'm gonna finally get those resumes printed off and get down to the shops to hand them out i was gonna do it tuesday but my car decided to conk out instead. LOL!

Anyways i'll quit rambling as i gotta go get ready for work, sure ill be back later to winge about my day :)

-Ash

VENTING!

today everything kinda hit me all at once, I'm broke, got no job, falling into old habits and to top it all off my car broke down today!

i don't wanna sound all woe is me but seriously when is it gonna be my turn for things to work out!?? i cant take anymore shit going wrong.

I thought i had a grip on everything that's going on and i thought i was staying positive, but over the past few days I've just found myself more and more depressed? I don't wanna go back down the depression path but i seriously am in need of a huge pick me up or shit to turn around soon cause i feel a mass break down coming on....

everyone keeps sayin its ok, it will work out but at the end of the day it aint ok, im tryin to survive off $140 a week and thats if im lucky enough to get that much, im tryin to keep my chin up but its easier said than done!

anyways ill stop rambling n keep lookin for work.

-Ash

surviving the week

So I've managed to survive this week on my own, I've learnt that i cant survive on mac n cheese, dishes don't do themselves and how to put a doona cover on! ha ha!

overall its been an OK week apart from my boyfriend being in japan, and lack of sleep!

Had me a great weekend too dressed up as pirates with lene and kiera, it was a real fun night! I definitely needed a girls night out!

Having this past week to myself (as difficult as its been) has really got my mind thinking about everything and i've found that im actually quite happy with the way everything is.... i think it was good to finally get outta pet goods direct even know im left without work it was probably for the best, i dont feel stressed at all now that im out of there.

Casey, where do i even start!? He's got to be the best thing that has happened to me, he's been so supportive bout the whole work situation and all the other dramas that gone on over the past few months. I can be 100% me around him and i love it, i've really missed him this past week and im really looking forward to him coming home!

-Ash

sleepwalking past hope - him.

I hid the keys to unlock love's heart

To hold you in my sweetest pain and suffering

Everything's unfair in our lust and war

Redemption beyond right and wrong

In our hearts love keeps sweet-talking to despair

And goes on sleepwalking past hope

All is lost in this war

And all we can do is to wail and weep to the saddest song

Sleepwalking past hope

I unlit the light to embrace the dark

To be near but not to turn into you my darling

Forever we're lost in our souls' storm

Reflections of each other's faults

I gave up long ago

Painting love with crimson flow

Ran out of blood and hope

So I paint you no more

My hell begins from the 10th and descends to the circle

Six hundred threescore and six

And from there I crawl beneath Lucifer's claws just for one last kiss

judgement day!

wonders how the hell people can judge another so quickly when they dunno me from a bar of soap!

so here i am at work cleaning when a customer come up to the counter, as normal i greeted them and she just looked at me blankly. She then has the nerve to say i must be a druggy because i was pale (and im pale cause my irons low) and worked in a ice cream store, sure i hadnt done my hair today an had no make up on but come on im no druggy!

It really shits me that people are so quick to judge just for what we wear, or weather or not we have make up on! yes people have off days.... but it doesnt mean there on drugs, getting lazy or whatever else they wanna rant about, today just happened to be my off day.

Maybe i should go give her a serve when she leaves her house without makeup! ha ha!

And hey working in the ice cream store, yes it isnt a great job but its money and at the moment its all i got!

I managed to survive another night in the house though i did have a run in with the doona cover, i tried to do the right thing by washing our sheets for when case comes home but when it came to putting fresh sheets on.... silly me couldnt work out how the doona cover went on? yes funny i know right? it took me a very embarrasssing call to the nana to figure it out :) but hey i learnt something new today lol.

Overall not a bad day, 5 more sleeps till casey comes home which i cant wait for, this home alone thing is annoying :) looking forward to the weekend, me n lene are gonna be pirates tomorrow which shall be entertaining!

Anyways im off its now 11.10pm and i said id have a early night.... :)

-ash

thinking

So once again being home alone sends my mind wandering....

So i ran into my uncle tonight, we are looking at putting the Nana in a home but its so tough as hardly any of the family talks to one another (or communicates anyway) my uncle and my mum have been trying to find her a place and we have found her a nice unit but the only drama is its small and costs a fair lot considering it is pretty small. The other problem is she likes to do quilting and if she has to go to this place she wont have enough room to do it and she could go down hill quickly.... I know she confides on me a fair deal and she has told me she doesn't necessarily want to move if she cant continue to do her everyday hobbies or have her car. I honestly think she shouldn't drive as she isn't as quick to react these days if something went wrong, but at the same time i can understand that she wants her Independence still?

Its a catch 22 really but at the end of the day we are just trying to do the right thing for her, i have mentioned what she told me to my uncle and mum and i also wonder if i did the right thing? She is capable of looking after herself at the moment but if she passes this opportunity to move she may not get another offer for a fair while and for all we know (touch wood) she could have a stroke and need more care.... what to do?

As far as everything else goes I'm on struggle street as far as bills go, holding down the fort here is easier said than done ha ha! though it is fun hanging wit landy it'd be nice if he could talk though.... :)

Anyway i'll stop rambling

-ash

the first blog!

Hey all, so i took the plunge and started a blog. It will be used mainly for speaking about what's on my mind or if i need to vent, so if i seem a little irritated in some of my blogs don't stress ill survive :)

So my first blog, what to talk bout ha ha!

This whole having no job thing is really starting to take its tole, but Im trying to keep my chin up and stay positive.... easier said than done if you ask me! ha ha! trying to live off $140 a week is tuff, bills are a bitch! And it's hard not to stress when my boyfriends on the other side of the globe.... i normally talk to him about what's on my mind and when your sitting in dead silence your mind starts to wander if that makes any sense??

My back is still giving me the shits i'm over feeling like i have a pole shoved up my ass to be blunt.... hopefully it will come good over the next few weeks cause its making the simplest of things so difficult at this time :)

Any ways i wont bore you any longer with my rambling.... :)

Happy Reading!

-Ash